I realize now how truly important it is to be at least 17 when viewing an 'R-rated' movie. There are movies out there that were never meant to be seen by a young audience. Movies that go beyond the typical threshold of blood and bad natured jokes. This is thanks to a quick rental of a movie called The Hangover. This would be the event leading up to the idea of going to see the sequel in theaters with my friends. In all honesty, I've never seen a movie cross quite as far as this before, and I was preparing for the worst.
Yesterday, when going to the movies, I found myself and my friends in a situation that requires a cunning, devious plan in order to fulfill the utmost enjoyment out of the evening. A friend and I had decided to buy tickets for a movie we did not intend to see. What we plan to do all along is sneak into another room for a different movie.
Why? Well it just so happens to be one of those 'R-rated' movies that crosses a fine threshold in the world of movies. The movie I'm referring to is of course, The Hangover - Part II. The four of us were all of age to get in, but the problem lies on one of us who had no proof that we are what we say we are.
So, who would it be to follow in the footsteps of the forgotten, but me. My friend and I would go first to get tickets to Thor and wait a while in the line for food and concessions as the other party would buy tickets for The Hangover Part II. After about 20 minutes or so into Thor, we would head to the other movie and join the other two. This would all be possible via texting from phone of course.
But to our demise, the first response was with the awful truth that one of us was not ready to see the movie. If only he had been liable it would have passed. Our only reply was that the movie theater was guarded by not a single ticket checker, but three ticket checkers. Not to mention that they all also would have to check your age if it were a 'R-rated' movie.
It was hard to imagine being the person who must monitor a public movie theater like a mother on a near dying child. Why must I be check to see if I have a ticket by THE SAME FAGGOT who I had just been handed a ticket from only 60 seconds ago. The movie theater arcade is a trap. If you pass the entrance where you get your ticket checked, you are sealed to that side unless you have a ticket.
If you want to use the bathroom, you must first follow these complicated steps to do so:
1. Get up during a movie and interrupt people in front and behind you while blinding people to either the left or right of your from the movie for about 3 seconds.
2. Exit the theater without urinating on yourself and walking normal to not embarrass yourself.
3. Speak with your movie theater baby sitter, or sitters to verify that you are both of age to see the movie, and also a ticket holder.
4. Find someone without a taunting look on their face but also a uniform to ask where in the FUCK the bathrooms are.
5. Navigate a movie theater lobby while waiting to come across a bathroom or piss your pants trying.
6. Negotiate with uncleanly people in the bathroom to move out of the way.
7. Return to the movie theater baby sitter and show them your movie ticket, date of birth, mother's maiden name, shoe size, approximate I.Q. and social security number, only to be told that they "DON'T REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE FROM 2 MINUTES AGO."
8. Make your way back to your seat with your party. This also includes him/her speaking to you about what you missed, and the inclusion of the words 'best' and 'part'.
9. You may or may not receive generous donations from other viewers of the movie followed by slang words in an almost foreign language.
I'm half relieved that I didn't watch another movie I would have loathed, and half pissed off because of how ignorant a movie theater is.
By the end of this I am only able to see one moral for such an event:
Use the back exit of the theater like the rest of the 13-year olds and Mexicans do, or just buy the movie on BD when it's out.
